{Thu 26 October 2006}   Double Signals

Double Signals

O false God!
You have betrayed us.
Betrayer, betrayer, betrayer!

See the man who dances between tables,
Who swirls between clay pots,
Whose soul is dry, is dry for trying,
While his beauty fades.

See my friend who screams what he cannot say,
Whose lips pull tight over his power,
Who kills his own words,
While his music rages.

You, betrayer, you have done this.
Power of our minds, construct of our childhoods, moulder of our futures,
You made us yearn, seek, believe, hold true,
While you eroded our selves in your service.

Still we dance, sing, speak an ideal
that was never ours and cannot be.

mannabozo says:

Wow, Tia.

Where did this poem come from?

Tia says:

Er… I wrote it. As to why, well, it’s all in there. The whole address is ironic, of course, as I don’t any more believe that the “God” whom I address exists… or do I? If s/he/it exists then s/he/it is “false” in the sense of untrustworthy and in the sense of dissembling as something other than s/he/it really is and if s/he/it doesn’t exist then s/she/it can’t betray anyone. If s/he/it is a construct of my mind, then I am my own betrayer. But coming to awareness and then responsibility is very, very hard and, as Adam (who may or may not have existed) found at (what may or may not have been) the beginning, it’s much easier to accuse someone else (even a projection) of failure. That my delusion and betrayal are/were shared brings no comfort – it only increases the pain. Stanzas two and three refer to two very dear friends who in my opinion (and of course I cannot know the real truth) are like me in that they have been severely damaged by the God they believe in, a God whose call is always to an unrealisable ideal (no matter what we think we understand about grace). The first probably considers me a dangerous apostate and the second I know thinks of me as an interesting agnostic. But more than this I cannot say about the poem’s genesis, as it might reveal too much about them without their consent.

Tia says:

Further thoughts, even if unasked for… the title refers to a concept in Process Work theory (see http://www.sonic.net/~billkirn/POP_definitions.html). I do wonder whether the damaging God that we construct is also a useful God for developing our awareness of and capacity to interact with our secondary processes… at least we have learned to think, to turn inward, to be humble in the face of the unknowable… it’s only a few axioms that get in the way of growth after all, innit?

Jay says:

Oh…very deep, deep from unknown. U say human agony & ecstasy on Natural processes/God. Your reply 2 Mannabozo further reveals your ability 2 take responsibility. Plz go ahead voicing your spirit in poems. Why have u stopped writing poems after 2008. From 2006-2008 u were with mysticism, I guess.

Tia says:

Hi Jay, actually, most of my poems were written over several years… as many as 25 years, in some cases, as I kept returning to them to change them. I think it’s unlikely now that I’ll change those that are actually published on my blog, but it’s still possible! You’re right that I haven’t written much recently, though. I wrote some during my MA in Creative Writing which I finished in 2009, but I haven’t been in such a creative space since then… needing to focus on earning a living. My interest in mysticism, spirituality, psychology, creativity, etc. is life-long, though, not limited to those two years.

Jay says:

Hi Tia, u r lively on your site, & with other topics. “…earning a living”; envelopes many.U r very busy, however, u answer me is fascinating!! Thanx.

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